How many ways can you say ‘have sex’ and keep it, uh, clean?


     As writers, we have to come up with various ways to say ‘having sex’ without delving into the use of that four letter word.  I mean we COULD use that word BUT then you get editors and readers who don’t like the word and stop reading.  We don’t want that!  Many of us use that word—I include myself in there, but we use it sparingly in our writing, if at all.

      At the May Pennwriters conference, the subject came up when I asked Dave, after reading his works for years, just exactly how many ways he could say it.  (Actually, I think I said, “Holy crap, Dave you can write F___ in more ways than anyone I know.  Have you ever written them all down in a list?  We could have some fun by asking everyone what euphemisms they use.)  He often surprises me with his euphemisms.  Today he finally got around to sending me a list of fifty three.

 Dave’s List

  1.  Bang
  2.  Bed bounce
  3.  Bedroom bolero
  4.  Boff
  5.  Boink
  6.  Bounce the Beauty Rest
  7.  Bump uglies
  8.  Bury his boner
  9.  Condom Cha-cha
  10.  Dip his wick
  11.  Do the nasty
  12.  Futon fandango
  13.  Foxtrot on the futon
  14.  Get laid
  15.  Grope and poke
  16.  Haul his ashes
  17.  Honk his horn
  18.  Hop her bones
  19.  Horizontal hoedown
  20.  Hump
  21.  Lay down lap dance
  22.  Massage his mast
  23.  Mating Macarena
  24.  Mattress mambo
  25.  Nail
  26.  Party on the Posturepedic
  27.  Polka on the Posturepedic
  28.  Poke
  29.  Polish his pole
  30.  Pump
  31.  Pump his pole
  32.  Punch
  33.  Put out
  34.  Quickie
  35.  Ride his rod
  36.  Ride the saddle
  37.  Rock the rack
  38.  Rod rumba
  39.  Screw
  40.  Serta samba
  41.  Shake the Serta
  42.  Slide the salami
  43.  Split her uprights
  44.  Stroking his pole
  45.  Sweat the sheets
  46.  Tangle the sheets
  47.  Tangle toenails
  48.  Toe-to-toe tango
  49.  Trojans tango
  50.  Warming his wick
  51.  Waxing his wick
  52.  Woody massage
  53.  Woody waltz

      Now, I’m sure there are plenty of writers and regular people who have other euphemisms.  Romance writers probably have a whole dictionary of them.  You are welcome to add to the list.  I only have 4 rules.

  1. Keep it fairly clean and no fair using the words sex, F**k, or anything Dave beat you to with his list.  
  2. Please no mentioning the body parts involved by name or vulgar slang terms.  I don’t want this blog X-rated.
  3. I have the right of approval, if I find your list offensive I will edit or delete it.
  4. Dave and I have the right to appropriate all really, really, good ones for our own use.  😉

About doggonedmysteries

Agented Mystery Writer, Bull Terrier owner --we have two, Avid gardener.

Posted on October 3, 2009, in My blog and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Can I have some Cuddie.

  2. wipe the worm

  3. I usually just call it “you know” or “mmhhmm”

  4. Reblogged this on Doggonedmysteries and commented:

    Since I still get many hits on this post, I thought I’d reblog it today.

  5. Why is the ding dong digity not on here what

  6. Ready for a SNAP? Sxxx and a nap!!

  7. My personal favourite is The Rumpy Pumpy !

  8. Sarah olbrantz

    Top five if my kids are in the room:
    1. Let’s get down
    2. I need some cardio
    3. So, how’s your father?
    4. I gotta go charge my battery, wanna help?
    5. We need a personal conference, NOW!

    Top five with no kids:
    1. I’m achin’ for the bacon
    2. Want me to rotate your crops for you?
    3. I feel empty inside, wanna fill me up?
    4. Let’s hit the lab and do some experiments.
    5. Hey handsome, what’s you’re name today?

  9. how about wet the Willie? slay the one eyed heat sinking missile? knocking boots? box trot?
    drain the snake? bury the human meat sausage? dip the oil stick?

  10. My favourites:
    Hide the cane
    The beast with two backs
    Frick frack

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