How many ways can you say ‘have sex’ and keep it, uh, clean?

 

     As writers, we have to come up with various ways to say ‘having sex’ without delving into the use of that four letter word.  I mean we COULD use that word BUT then you get editors and readers who don’t like the word and stop reading.  We don’t want that!  Many of us use that word—I include myself in there, but we use it sparingly in our writing, if at all.

      At the May Pennwriters conference, the subject came up when I asked Dave, after reading his works for years, just exactly how many ways he could say it.  (Actually, I think I said, “Holy crap, Dave you can write F___ in more ways than anyone I know.  Have you ever written them all down in a list?  We could have some fun by asking everyone what euphemisms they use.)  He often surprises me with his euphemisms.  Today he finally got around to sending me a list of fifty three.

 Dave’s List

  1.  Bang
  2.  Bed bounce
  3.  Bedroom bolero
  4.  Boff
  5.  Boink
  6.  Bounce the Beauty Rest
  7.  Bump uglies
  8.  Bury his boner
  9.  Condom Cha-cha
  10.  Dip his wick
  11.  Do the nasty
  12.  Futon fandango
  13.  Foxtrot on the futon
  14.  Get laid
  15.  Grope and poke
  16.  Haul his ashes
  17.  Honk his horn
  18.  Hop her bones
  19.  Horizontal hoedown
  20.  Hump
  21.  Lay down lap dance
  22.  Massage his mast
  23.  Mating Macarena
  24.  Mattress mambo
  25.  Nail
  26.  Party on the Posturepedic
  27.  Polka on the Posturepedic
  28.  Poke
  29.  Polish his pole
  30.  Pump
  31.  Pump his pole
  32.  Punch
  33.  Put out
  34.  Quickie
  35.  Ride his rod
  36.  Ride the saddle
  37.  Rock the rack
  38.  Rod rumba
  39.  Screw
  40.  Serta samba
  41.  Shake the Serta
  42.  Slide the salami
  43.  Split her uprights
  44.  Stroking his pole
  45.  Sweat the sheets
  46.  Tangle the sheets
  47.  Tangle toenails
  48.  Toe-to-toe tango
  49.  Trojans tango
  50.  Warming his wick
  51.  Waxing his wick
  52.  Woody massage
  53.  Woody waltz

      Now, I’m sure there are plenty of writers and regular people who have other euphemisms.  Romance writers probably have a whole dictionary of them.  You are welcome to add to the list.  I only have 4 rules.

  1. Keep it fairly clean and no fair using the words sex, F**k, or anything Dave beat you to with his list.  
  2. Please no mentioning the body parts involved by name or vulgar slang terms.  I don’t want this blog X-rated.
  3. I have the right of approval, if I find your list offensive I will edit or delete it.
  4. Dave and I have the right to appropriate all really, really, good ones for our own use.  😉

About doggonedmysteries

Agented Mystery Writer, Bull Terrier owner--I have one at the present time, Avid gardener.

Posted on October 3, 2009, in My blog and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. Looked this old post up just for shits and giggles. Found a few more to add to my list. My favorite: Rumpy pumpy. The tally is now up to 95. Should I repost the list?

  2. Just noticed this. You want it as an e-mail?

  3. Yes, I noticed the date. Notice that I finally got back to you with the latest list?

    Here it is, all 96:
    ONE WORD
    1. Bang
    2. Bed
    3. Boff
    4. Boink
    5. Bone
    6. Bop
    7. Diddle
    8. Do
    9. Hump
    10. Nail
    11. Poke
    12. Pump
    13. Punch
    14. Quickie
    15. Romp
    16. Schtup
    17. Score
    18. Screw
    19. Shag
    20. Tap
    TWO WORDS
    21. Afternoon delight
    22. Bedroom bolero
    23. Bedsprings bounce
    24. Box Trot
    25. Bump uglies
    26. Condom cha-cha
    27. Do it
    28. Fool Around
    29. Futon fandango
    30. Get frisky
    31. Get laid
    32. Horizontal hoedown
    33. Horizontal Mambo
    34. Horizontal Tango
    35. Hump and bump
    36. Knock boots
    37. Knock knees
    38. Make love
    39. Make whoopee
    40. Mating macarena
    41. Mattress mambo
    42. Posturepedic Polka
    43. Put out
    44. Rod rumba
    45. Rumpy-pumpy
    46. Serta samba
    47. Sleep with
    48. Sofa samba
    49. Tangle toenails
    50. Trojans tango
    51. Trojan testing
    52. Woody massage
    53. Woody waltz
    THREE WORDS
    54. Bounce the BeautyRest
    55. Buff the beam
    56. Bury the boner
    57. Ding Dong Digity
    58. Dip the wick
    59. Do the nasty
    60. Drain the snake
    61. Get it on
    62. Get some nookie
    63. Go to bed
    64. Grope and poke
    65. Haul his ashes
    66. Hide the salami
    67. Honk his horn
    68. Hop his/her bones
    69. Laydown lap dance
    70. Massage the mast
    71. Polish his pole
    72. Pump the pole
    73. Rattle the rafters
    74. Ride the rod
    75. Ride the saddle
    76. Rock the rack
    77. Rumple the sheets
    78. Shake the Serta
    79. Slap and tickle
    80. Slide the salami
    81. Smoke his stick
    82. Split the uprights
    83. Stroke his pole
    84. Swap body fluids
    85. Sweat the sheets
    86. Tangle the sheets
    87. Warm his wick
    88. Wax his wick
    89. Wet the Willie
    90. Wipe the worm
    91. Wrinkle the sheets
    FOUR WORDS
    92. The Beast with Two Backs
    93. Do the wild thing
    94. Foxtrot on the futon
    95. Party on the Posturepedic
    96. Toe-to-toe tango

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: