Monthly Archives: February 2020
I thought I’d be in horrible shape this week because it is a year since he died. He died on the 21st of February.
I’m not, and that’s what surprises me. I guess all the loss of family and friends over the years prepared me for this.
I do have my teary days but they aren’t bad.
I like my new house, my new town, new neighborhood, and being on my own.
I like being alone…a lot.
It is probably because the last five years I was more his servant and nurse than his partner, lover, and friend.
When I got to Georgia I was exhausted, at my wits end, and ready to be left to myself to find my path in life all over again.
You must understand that I was nineteen when I got married to Jay. We bought our house from his parents without any decision or choice on my part about it. Yep, no choice in that. Even many years later when I begged him that we sell and buy something easier for him to navigate and for me to keep clean. He wouldn’t leave the damned house.
I lived in my mother in law’s house for 46 years. No matter what changes I made to it, it was still her house. Thus the reason why I had no hesitation in leaving it after he died.
That and the fact that I witnessed his fall down the stairs in that house, leading to his death February 21st of 2019. Yeah, the stuff of nightmares, no hesitation on leaving it.
MY new house in Georgia is going through small renovations, I am putting my stamp on it.
I added a sun-porch and fencing. I am looking into landscaping, tearing out my master bath tub and putting in a walk in shower, and putting new counter tops in the kitchen.
I will also be working on decorating my office so I can work more efficiently there.
I miss him, but I am not devastated as I thought I would be.
I am writing again, also….Surprise! I am drawing and painting again–haven’t done that for 30 years.
I hope to find a camera I like and start taking pictures again too.
But, I do miss him, the him before his MS got bad. The sweet and kind him. The man who loved to bring me flowers, work in the garden with me, play with our dogs. The man who loved to go out to dinners and bars for fun with friends. The man who knew to hug me when I needed it the most. I miss that man.
But, I am okay. And each day gets easier.
It worries me because it is the month he died.
It worries me because the year went by so fast. (except January)
Will I be okay on the day?
I don’t know.
On the 21st he’ll have been gone a year.
Will I be okay by myself?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I have to put one foot in front of the other and go forward.
I’ve done a lot in this year.
I bought a house, sold a house.
Made my new place my home.
Made new friends.
Kept in touch with old friends.
As this month moves on, I find I have no idea how it will affect me.
Sure, there will be some tears.
But I worry most about being alone that day.
I keep calling him and leaving messages. He’s not called me back yet. I might have to find a new guy at this rate.
The man who delivered my wheel barrow and gas tank for my new grill builds picnic tables. He’s not far from me so ya never know… I may have a lovely picnic table for the summer.
I do want to get the yard landscaped with raised beds and trees. A simple water feature (no pond) and plenty of places for my bird feeders. Dog safe ranks number 1.
For now, I guess it is up to me to haul all the trimmings to the curb, put the spring on the gate to make it self closing, hang the blue bird house, and all the hangers for plants to hang from the fence.