Category Archives: Jokes

With the way the news is going I think this is what we need today

giggles

can-you-hear-me-now

diet

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The Squirrel wars continue

bad squirrel

     This looks like the squirrel with which The Curmudgeon is having a daily battle.  LOL!

The Washcloth


Ladies this has to be read, laughed at, and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won’t crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.  Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

You all have a good one and keep on laughing!!!

Joke for today…The Dress.

A mother-in-law stopped by unannounced at her
son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in and she
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.
Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of
me”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

You all have a good one and keep on laughing!

 

English: "My Wife and my Mother-in-Law&qu...

English: “My Wife and my Mother-in-Law”, a famous optical illusion. Appears in Puck, v. 78, no. 2018 (1915 Nov. 6), p. 11. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A quick funny for you today.

                                A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman

     Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

      The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said, “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back Into the dapper, handsome, charming, young Prince that I was and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother. There, you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

      That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t fucking think so.”

Goliath the bullfrog

Goliath the bullfrog

Screaming frog

Screaming frog

A couple of diet funnies for those of us trying to lose the fluffy we gained

how is diet going for you smokin hot

Tax season joke…because we all need to laugh.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says

Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’

     You all have a good one!

On getting older…

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and, second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart?� the preacher exclaimed. Why Wal-Mart?� Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.


It’s scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.She turned to me and asked, Are you having it catered?And that, my friend, is the sad definition of OLD�!

You all have a good one, and don’t forget to laugh!

Another joke…thanks Cuz Gloria.

My cousin sent me a good joke.  I knew I had to pass it on.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say.

“I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hours left to live and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

“But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

  You all have a good one!