There are days where I can’t wait for him to go up for his afternoon nap or to bed for the night.
Days where his voice alone makes me cringe in a ‘now what the hell does he want?’ bend of mind.
Those are the days where I’ve blasted past exhausted and landed into the “I can’t do it any more” zone.
Once he’s gone to bed for whichever… I feel as though I can …maybe…breathe for a minute.
The stress-tightened iron bands around my chest loosen…a little.
All to soon, he wakens to begin the cycle again.
Release the Kraken!
It’s painful to watch The Curmudgeon allow himself to circle the drain. His doctors have recommended exercise, physical therapy, and even swimming.
He refuses saying they only make him hurt more.
Fine. If you’re determined to do a slow death spiral, go ahead, but I refuse to be a part of it.
I will no longer participate in your idiocy.
I refuse to be egged into daily battles.
In the meantime, I intend to work on my health and well-being.
After spending an hour and a half loading The Curmudgeon’s pill cases for the month, my eyes are tired, my back is killing me, my neck is stiff, and my head aches.
I do this every month.
Not once have I ever heard a thank you.
When I’d set my Mom’s pills up for her while she visited, she always said thank you to me and hers didn’t take half as long to do. But I only had set up a week at a time for her.
This is what I do for The Curmudgeon.
G had to postpone her staple removal to yesterday due to the snowstorm. She had a lot of staples in her knee and was crazy ready for them to come out.
After we left her doctor’s office, we went to the pharmacy to pick up her antibiotics and pain medication. She needs a delicate, light pain med or she’s off to lala land.
From there we came home and got her back into her house safe and sound.
Then I had to load Gavin into the car and take him to the vet’s office for his suture removal. That’s lifting 65 pounds of unwilling dog into the back of a van and coaxing him into a crate. It’s also lifting 65 lbs out, back in, and once home, out again and up the front steps.
What back pain…oh, you mean that…
Then after attempting to lift the downed Curmudgeon into his bed too many times tonight, I had to call 911 for help.
The guys from the nearby fire station know the routine pretty well and I was happy to see the familiar faces of the guys who were so sweet this summer and went over to G’s to get the AC she had and install it in my window. They always assure me it’s no problem to come and help him up when he has a bad day.
I’ve not been the nicest person to him, mainly because each demand he makes of me hasn’t helped my back pain. And each demand he’s made has been as soon as I’ve settled into a position where my back doesn’t hurt quite so bad.
Seriously, if I hit the lottery I am out of here. I cannot take much more without completely destroying my own mental and physical health. I’d leave him with a trust fund for his care but I am not now nor have I ever been a nurse. Being a nurse was never my career choice. Never. I am not the sort of person who can do the job, it is not a part of my being.
I can tile a floor and walls. I can break and train horses. Train and show dogs. Write. Garden. I have the credentials for veterinary assistant. I’ve done retail management and all sorts of office work.
I have NEVER had the desire to be a nurse.
Anyone wanting the job is welcome to it.
It seems that although that damned heart attack was 5 years ago, I still don’t have my old energy back.
I wake up tired, go to bed tired, and spend the day tired.
I have too much going on at home right now and need to take a week or so off from here.
Explanations will follow later.
Be kind to yourselves.
Gavin and Lucy send their wagging tail greetings.
We missed The Curmudgeon’s CT scan appointment yesterday because no one told us he had one. This is to recheck his lungs. We were told that we would get a call to tell us if they could schedule him in.
Never got a call.
We were home.
We did get a call to tell us he missed it.
Yesterday, The Curmudgeon showed a few signs of improvement. He drove his truck. He left me sleep.
After I’d taken care of the dogs early in the morning and he woke up, I told him I was going to go sleep in my bed until I had to get up to take him to his appointment. I was beyond cranky and tired.
I dutifully set my alarm so I didn’t sleep too late to get him to his appointment. When the alarm went off, I dressed and came downstairs to find him gone. His truck gone too.
He’d taken G to pick up her vehicle at the repair shop and got home in time for us to head out for his appointment at the dentist. He was a bit worse for the wear but not as bad as he would’ve been a week ago.
When we went to his appointment he was back on the walker, that little trip took a lot out of him. But that’s okay, it showed him that he’s improved a bit.
You all have a good one.
After much jangling about of our nerves all morning and well into the afternoon, and a long-winded, confusing, round about CYA conversation with an admin flunky, the hospital sent The Curmudgeon home.
No, they did not send him home with G and I after we waited around for a few hours.
Yes, they waited to break the news to him until after we’d gone to run errands and go home.
No, I was not a happy camper when I arrived home to 5 messages on the answering machine, 4 from The Curmudgeon and 1 from the admin flunky.
No, I wasn’t going to jump into my car and dash back over during rush hour to get him.
Yes, I was out of sorts, my back was killing me and I hadn’t sat down in hours.
Thank goodness for cooler head of The Curmudgeon’s best friend, who, after I begged him for help, was the one who brought The Curmudgeon home.
Funny how ALL the rehab hospitals refused him because of his expensive specialty medications. Funny how NO help is forthcoming from anyone.
Real funny how poorly this Multiple Sclerosis patient has been treated by everyone involved in his (lack of proper) care at St. Luke’s University Health Network http://www.slhn.org/
It is difficult enough to deal with your loved one falling apart, but to have no help is frustrating as hell. I think I’ve lost my sense of humor.
Is it any wonder that over 70 percent of MS marriages end in divorce?
I love him…but…
I go for a stress test today, I think I’ll pass with flying colors after this past week of crap.
I miss this man.
My cardiologist is thrilled with my cholesterol levels and says my heart sounds terrific. However, he has ordered a stress test since it has been a while since I had one. Oh boy something to look forward to next month.
It’s been almost four years since I had the heart attack. Doesn’t seem like that amount of time has passed.
I spent most of today doing some form of exercise, when I wasn’t napping that is. I had my hand weights close to hand and would do a couple sets with them whenever the mood would strike.
As a result, all the free exercise has made my upper arms sore. Good, because they are flabby. I have sore biceps, triceps, and with the crunches I put in my stomach muscles are a tad sore.
Tomorrow I get my hair cut, and if this storm comes through here as mild as forecast for our area, I’ll head over to the gym afterwards. If it is worse than forecast I’ll come home and do some yoga, weights, and free exercise.
You all have a good one!
Yesterday I worked out on my weights and did some yoga. I was only able to squeeze in forty-five minutes before The Curmudgeon absolutely HAD to interrupt me.
Now you know why the gym membership and the need to go walk at a park when the weather gets nice. It is not only needed exercise I am getting but it is also much-needed stress relief and me time.
I am enjoying being able to get into a zone at the gym and know I won’t be interrupted during the time I set for myself.
Tomorrow we see if I have any first week results to report. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
You all have a good one.