I thought I’d be in horrible shape this week because it is a year since he died. He died on the 21st of February.
I’m not, and that’s what surprises me. I guess all the loss of family and friends over the years prepared me for this.
I do have my teary days but they aren’t bad.
I like my new house, my new town, new neighborhood, and being on my own.
I like being alone…a lot.
It is probably because the last five years I was more his servant and nurse than his partner, lover, and friend.
When I got to Georgia I was exhausted, at my wits end, and ready to be left to myself to find my path in life all over again.
You must understand that I was nineteen when I got married to Jay. We bought our house from his parents without any decision or choice on my part about it. Yep, no choice in that. Even many years later when I begged him that we sell and buy something easier for him to navigate and for me to keep clean. He wouldn’t leave the damned house.
I lived in my mother in law’s house for 46 years. No matter what changes I made to it, it was still her house. Thus the reason why I had no hesitation in leaving it after he died.
That and the fact that I witnessed his fall down the stairs in that house, leading to his death February 21st of 2019. Yeah, the stuff of nightmares, no hesitation on leaving it.
MY new house in Georgia is going through small renovations, I am putting my stamp on it.
I added a sun-porch and fencing. I am looking into landscaping, tearing out my master bath tub and putting in a walk in shower, and putting new counter tops in the kitchen.
I will also be working on decorating my office so I can work more efficiently there.
I miss him, but I am not devastated as I thought I would be.
I am writing again, also….Surprise! I am drawing and painting again–haven’t done that for 30 years.
I hope to find a camera I like and start taking pictures again too.
But, I do miss him, the him before his MS got bad. The sweet and kind him. The man who loved to bring me flowers, work in the garden with me, play with our dogs. The man who loved to go out to dinners and bars for fun with friends. The man who knew to hug me when I needed it the most. I miss that man.
But, I am okay. And each day gets easier.