MS, it’s a long goodbye

Over the last two weeks I’ve felt the tremendous outpouring of love from people all over the world. I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

As a caregiver there are too many times where I feel angry, hateful, and more than a little ready to throw in the towel.

I often feel as though I’ve lost myself somewhere. I’ve lost the person I once was in the pressures and helplessness of everyday life with someone with secondary progressive MS.

I see, each day, how much The Curmudgeon has gone away from me and am often overwhelmed with the desire to run away. To leave him before he goes away so it won’t hurt so much. Because my Dears, the pain of watching and not being able to help is harder than the pain of the guilt that would come with running.

Then, of course, I realize I can’t run. I have no escape, no way to go, no outside income, no one would employ me at my age and lack of a good resume. I must stay and watch him leave me every day, with no ease, no respite, no hope, and only the outpouring of affection from friends to make me take another step forward another day.

If it weren’t for friends and silly dogs, I don’t know where I’d be tomorrow.

Release the Kraken!

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About doggonedmysteries

Agented Mystery Writer, Bull Terrier owner --we have two, Avid gardener.

Posted on May 20, 2015, in My blog and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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