How many ways can you say ‘have sex’ and keep it, uh, clean?

 

     As writers, we have to come up with various ways to say ‘having sex’ without delving into the use of that four letter word.  I mean we COULD use that word BUT then you get editors and readers who don’t like the word and stop reading.  We don’t want that!  Many of us use that word—I include myself in there, but we use it sparingly in our writing, if at all.

      At the May Pennwriters conference, the subject came up when I asked Dave, after reading his works for years, just exactly how many ways he could say it.  (Actually, I think I said, “Holy crap, Dave you can write F___ in more ways than anyone I know.  Have you ever written them all down in a list?  We could have some fun by asking everyone what euphemisms they use.)  He often surprises me with his euphemisms.  Today he finally got around to sending me a list of fifty three.

 Dave’s List

1.  Bang
2.  Bed bounce
3.  Bedroom bolero
4.  Boff
5.  Boink
6.  Bounce the Beauty Rest
7.  Bump uglies
8.  Bury his boner
9.  Condom Cha-cha
10.  Dip his wick
11.  Do the nasty
12.  Futon fandango
13.  Foxtrot on the futon
14.  Get laid
15.  Grope and poke
16.  Haul his ashes
17.  Honk his horn
18.  Hop her bones
19.  Horizontal hoedown
20.  Hump
21.  Lay down lap dance
22.  Massage his mast
23.  Mating Macarena
24.  Mattress mambo
25.  Nail
26.  Party on the Posturepedic
27.  Polka on the Posturepedic
28.  Poke
29.  Polish his pole
30.  Pump
31.  Pump his pole
32.  Punch
33.  Put out
34.  Quickie
35.  Ride his rod
36.  Ride the saddle
37.  Rock the rack
38.  Rod rumba
39.  Screw
40.  Serta samba
41.  Shake the Serta
42.  Slide the salami
43.  Split her uprights
44.  Stroking his pole
45.  Sweat the sheets
46.  Tangle the sheets
47.  Tangle toenails
48.  Toe-to-toe tango
49.  Trojans tango
50.  Warming his wick
51.  Waxing his wick
52.  Woody massage
53.  Woody waltz

      Now, I’m sure there are plenty of writers and regular people who have other euphemisms.  Romance writers probably have a whole dictionary of them.  You are welcome to add to the list.  I only have 4 rules.

1. Keep it fairly clean and no fair using the words sex, F**k, or anything Dave beat you to with his list.  
2. Please no mentioning the body parts involved by name or vulgar slang terms.  I don’t want this blog X-rated.
3. I have the right of approval, if I find your list offensive I will edit or delete it.
4. Dave and I have the right to appropriate all really, really, good ones for our own use.  😉